#for some reason every single year it triggers my anxiety so bad

[the---hermit]

To do list to stop the procrastination anxiety:

Book dentist appointment

Email b&b for weekend trip with mom

For the love of the gods clean the garden of all the weeds that have grown in the past few weeks

Text tattoo artist to get appointment

Find the courage to check if there's revelent infos for this year's uni classes and at least get an idea of when classes start

Reorganize bookshelves

[ladymirdan]

There’s a dumbass 4chan thing being shared in groups I’m in where Amazon is supposedly forcing GW to make female custodes bc they want them in the show and HC might walk and ruin GW’s stock and other stupid shit. I know it’s dumb but it’s triggering my anxiety really badly and I can’t get the thought out of my head, especially because these groups are normally a space I feel safe in but there’s been one or two idiots ever since the announcement that has been toxic and it’s hard to enjoy 40k now

I understand, and I'm sorry. I wish these people could be reasoned with, but they cant, because they dont really care about Warhammer, they care about “the issue”. Pointing out things like “the authors of Black Library has fought for this for years” is like water on a duck.

The thing I usually do when I come across those people is try to not engage (difficult, I know, and I fail a lot of times), log off social media for a moment, and go to my local Warhammer store (the offical ones are the best at this).

Seeing the energy from people actually playing the game is so diffrent and sobering. I made a roadtrip across yourube last summer and made a point to visit every GW store along the way, and every single one had happy, excited staff and customers. And it always fills me with that hope and joy again.

I dont do Reddit that much, because its home to some chronically online people that just manages to bait me every time. I like Tumblr the most because its is 99% people to share their hobby experiences (and two angry guys screaming into a bucket).

That being said, the show might be cancelled, it might suck, but Warhammer will survive. It's not like it hasn't had shitty shows before. My favourite one is that Ultramarine movie, which is so bad that it becomes good again.

But you are also right, I have been giving these idiots too much of a platform they dont usually have. And I will be returning to my regular content again, which is geeking out about Ultramarines, Iron Warriors, Emperors Children, Nightlords, or some other flavour of the week (right now Aeldari,)I have been putting off building for a while since my hobby space is a bit messy, but I will clean it up and post more lovely pictures of mini butts.

This will blow over, it always does.

[taysanimaladventures]

Just gonna. Bitch a bit lol. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to share on here anymore. But I think prospective keepers need to know the shit that happens in this field.

Trigger warnings for animal neglect and death.

I was let go from a job. When I was working part time at my local zoo they underpaid me severely. I needed to take part time because my grandma was dying. I lived with my husband but the pay was so bad and hours were limited to 16 a week so I was forced to get a second job.

I quit the zoo last year which is a whole story in itself, but we are keeping it simple here. I think once I am a but cozy I will share that story and all the other stories at some point. Anyways I stuck with this second job for the past year while processing my grandmother's illness and eventual death to at least earn some income. However after my grandma passed I decided for certain I wanted to leave the industry. I learned the hard way that changing careers is not easy so I was sticking with them only for cash during this frustrating job search.

This second job was taking care of ambassador animals for an educational program. Nothing fancy, just a collection of small mammals, reptiles, amphibians, inverts, and an owl. My boss acted like she worshipped the ground I walked on because I busted my ass trying to help them rebuild their animal collection after their old one was lost to a wildfire.

I did a lot for them. A lot. I found reliable breeders to purchase from, set up the entire animal care work room, wrote care sheets for every single animal, created schedules, deep cleaned, did research and gave advice, and more. All of this while juggling a nasty sleep issue, depression and anxiety from my grandma's situation, and mental health issues up the wazoo from changing around medication.

Now while I bust my balls for my animals, over the years and years of exposure to terrible situations I have not been the most..... palatable person. I had a breakdown when my boss brought in a new bearded dragon and made little effort to quarantine it. I was irritated after the 4th time I come back from the weekend to empty water dishes and dirtier-than-normal cages. I got huffy with the people who take animals for making stupid mistakes, such as leaving a lamp on the edge of a snake enclosure causing it to melt. I had repeatedly requested my boss re-train staff so mistakes were minimal. She always said she would but I never saw a change. She even admitted to me she noticed staff were in deep conversation while handling animals which is probably why the mistakes were happening. And she wonders why I got pissed off at them??

My patience eventually ran dry after like 4 months of this shit and my boss -appeared- to be understanding that I have extensive trauma and I act the way I do because of it. It's not like I ever called anyone a mean name or bullied them, like I was the victim of way too many times when I first started out. I was outwardly unhappy, did not want to converse with anyone, and had a tone and was short sometimes. People still walked on eggshells around me. And you know what? I didn't give a shit and I still don't. I was a lone wolf in my duties and I wasn't required to converse with anyone except my boss. Plus no one here matters except for the animals. When you are careless with my animals, I am going to be pissed off.

But apparently my (now former) boss showed what really matters to her. She gave the keeper who forgot to refill water bowls a million chances to do better and never let her go. That keeper was the reason I even wrote those care sheets. But me? I'm grumpy and I challenge the status quo. Got to go. After blowing smoke up my ass for two years, saying I'm amazing and valuable and I can share anything with her and giving me a stupid piece of tape with stars on it for handling a sick animal.

I snapped from the stress.You should take a break. Ok, I'll take a fucking break! And then, a few days after my grandma's funeral which she knew about, I get an email: Oh so you can't come back this isn't working out anymore.

Sorry, what?

So I am here to shame the other shit this job did. Of course I spoke up, but it did not change anything.

-Two male rats kept in this cage. They were separated because they were fighting. They now live in two of these cages. I asked for a bigger cage. Blown off. I asked if the DIY guy could fuse the cages. "There's no point if we are getting a bigger cage." A year later, still the same cages. Btw they have diarrhea often.

-Rescued bearded dragon was brought in underweight. Boss said feed her insects every day (she was at least a year old, young but not a baby). Beardie starts getting chunkier and chunkier. I say hey we need to cut back in the notes. Ignored for a few weeks. She is morbidly obese. Only then the boss says cut back. She is also dead now and I only know this since I checked records while on "break." Wanna bet that was the morbid obesity?

-Another bearded dragon not feeling well. Eyes closed, black bearding. I'm hollering for him to be seen. "Oh it may just be because it's cooling down." Eventually sees the vet, the fucking quack says he's trying to brumate. I've never owned beardies but I called bs. Nothing was done except blasting more heat on him. Nothing changes. A week later, he vomits blood and dies. It was kidney failure.

-Leopard gecko not eating and slowly losing weight. In the notes several times over the course of a few months, "he is not eating and losing weight." I guess it was my bad for putting it in the notes I assumed were getting read instead of verbally telling my boss. Got ignored until I verbally told her. Gecko needed to be put down.

-Rabbit taken to programs way too often. He comes back and looks worn the fuck out. I bring this concern up to boss. "Yeah, we need to get a third rabbit." But otherwise nothing changes.

-Accepts a hermann's tortoise in a glass enclosure that nonstop runs into the glass, promises a tortoise table but here we are again a year later.

-Says yes to a frilled lizard from the quack of a vet as an apology for what happened with the beardie. Takes the vets word that his enclosure (a horizontal, not vertical enclosure with newspaper only and a red lamp and heat pad) is correct and it's "just like caring for a bearded dragon." The poor thing stops eating and the skin of her frills is dead from being unable to shed. Their solution is force feeding her. Fed up with leadership, I research the species and learned that everything we did was wrong. I set up proper lighting and substrate for her (can't do much about a vertical enclosure). She bounces back.

-"This animal doesn't look good, it shouldn't be taken to programs." "Okay" -2 days later they are back at programs- "Sorry we needed it."

I get that I was not necessarily a great person in this story, but I truly feel justified because this was such bullshit to deal with and now I am truly free of this hellish industry. I am unemployed and it's uncomfortable but it's better than dealing with this bullshit.

To my husband, friends, and family helping me get through this: thank you.

To Stephanie: fuck you.

[lostinfantasyworlds]

Life Update

Heyyyy it’s been a while! I never really expect anyone to notice when I fuck off for long periods of time, but in case you did and happened to be wondering why I was mostly MIA for most of 2023, here's what I've been up to.

The short version: My husband and I sold our first house over the summer and bought our “forever” home! It worked out so much better than I could have hoped, but it turns out that prepping a house to sell and moving = lots of stress and chaos...which caused me to tumble off the deep end mentally for a while afterwards and I’m only just starting to recover.

---

Before I elaborate, I feel like I have to give a disclaimer because the last thing I want is to come across like I'm complaining or ungrateful. I'm very aware of how lucky and privileged I am to be a homeowner, so I am by no means asking for sympathy or trying to act like "buying/selling a house is so stressful, woe is me!" I understand that homeownership is a pipe dream for a lot of people, especially in the current economy, and I don't take that for granted. I'm genuinely grateful that I even have the opportunity to be stressed about something like this, but I can't deny that it was stressful.

If anyone is wondering how I managed to buy a house at all, I'm happy to answer that in a separate post. The abridged version is extremely lucky timing plus countless hours of hard work put into fixing up our first house that we bought for cheap back when the market was way more balanced (2016).

When I talk about the stress of last year, it's almost entirely in regards to my own mental health which is something I've always struggled with. I get overwhelmed VERY easily by regular life, let alone when I go through a major change (no matter how positive it is). Every big transition period in my life has triggered intense anxiety disorders and/or depression for me, so that's the main reason why things felt so difficult.

If you happen to be thinking something along the lines of "shut the fuck up, no one cares you were stressed, you're so privileged to even be able to own a house," ...believe me, I've already said to myself a million times. That is part of why I end up so depressed in the first place, because I feel like I “don’t have the right” when my life is so wonderful. But thanks to therapy I understand more about my mental illnesses and I'm trying to be less hard on myself now.

Still, I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea 😅.

---

Anyways! If you want to know more about our house/see some pics, the long version with all of my rambling is below the cut!

The long version:

My husband and I bought our first house in 2016, right after getting married. It was conveniently located right across the street from where we had been living with 4 of our friends (which is how we were able to save enough money to buy a house), but it was in such bad condition that it didn't even meet the FHA minimum property standards so we had to use a special type of mortgage to purchase it. We always meant for it to a long-term flip, planning to live there while renovating it so that we could sell it after a few years and use the profit to buy a house that would be more permanent.

We put so much literal blood sweat and tears into that house. In the beginning we spent every single hour of our spare time fixing up the house. We do all renovation work ourselves because my dad and husband have experience with demolition, electrical, and plumbing. And anything we don't know how to do we just figure out as we go along. The only time we hired a contractor was to replace the roof that had extensive water damage.

(This is the water damage discovered down the whole back of the house a few weeks after we bought it 🙃)

(One before-and-after out of many to avoid making this post absurdly long. The contractors finished the ceiling when they did the roof but otherwise we did all the work on that bathroom ourselves, including moving the shower wall back 6 inches so that the shower door wasn't mounted to the window trim 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Over a few years we worked on remodeling each room until we eventually we got super burnt out, and then the pandemic happened and we both fell into a deep depression. Finally, in 2022 I got myself a therapist and started clawing myself out of the dark place I was in, and at the start of April 2023 we started prepping the house to sell. I had been watching the market steadily increase to absolutely insane levels and knew it was kind of a “now or never” situation, even though I still felt very fragile mentally so I was worried how I would handle such a large undertaking.

I never could have imagined just how amazing it would turn out. We truly couldn't be happier with our new home, it’s pretty much everything we were hoping for and I still can’t believe how lucky we are to have gotten it. I was prepared to have a hard time finding an affordable house. I had heard of all kinds of horror stories and the crazy competition going on in the market was intimidating. I thought we were gearing up for the long haul, and prepared myself for a lot of disappointment. Our house was the first house we put an offer on (the third one we looked at in person) and we somehow got it! It’s insane, I'm so fucking grateful.

The only catch is that it's a lot more of a fixer upper than we had originally planned on buying. I didn’t think that we would ever buy another house that required as much renovation as our first one did, because that shit was intense and we are now in our 30s and very tired 😂. But our new house has so many features that were on our “would-love-to-have-but-probably-won't-find-in-this-economy” list like laundry upstairs and an attached garage (also a pond??!?! We have a fucking pond and I love it so so much🥹). So we knew we could turn it into a home we’d love spending our lives in if we put in the work. Plus it was actually well below our budget (probably because of the condition it was in).

We decided to offer what we were willing to pay, which was well above asking but we still didn't think we'd have a chance because the market is so competitive. I don’t know if our real estate agent just worked some magic (she was amazing), but we were genuinely stunned when she told us we got the house.

(Our beautiful pond🥹 🥰)

After that, things moved SO fast. The timing made it overlap with the prepping/listing of our first home, which was really stressful to juggle all at once on top of our full time jobs. I thought selling was going to be the easy part since the market is so skewed towards sellers right now. And it did go amazingly well once we listed (64 showings and 12 offers in one weekend, fucking nuts?!?!!), but the months leading up to listing the house were CRAZY. I knew it would be a lot of work to prep the house since we had a bunch of unfinished projects, 4 open permits with the town that we needed to get closed, and had accumulated so much shit over the years, but I definitely underestimated how intense it would be, especially with the overlap of buying our new house. I had used up all of my PTO for the year by June in order to deal with house things and felt like I was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. I pushed myself way past my limits and knew I would pay for it eventually.

But we made it through the chaos and officially moved in July. Let me just say that I hope I never have to move again😵‍💫. It was 90+ degrees (F), 95% + humidity that weekend, and then POURING rain on the day of the move🙃. But other than that, everything went pretty smoothly! After a couple weeks of getting settled and sleeping in the living room, we started on the renovations in early August.

(Before and after of our living room that we are using as a hobby room for D&D, music, art, etc I love it so much!)

(Before and after of the downstairs bedroom which we use as our office)

We remodeled two whole rooms in about 6 weeks, which was wayy too much. We had been going nonstop since April and by the time we got to October, I hit a wall. Because my mental health was incredibly fragile to begin with, surprise surprise I ended up stuck in another bout of horrific burnout-fueled depression for a solid 2+ months after we finally paused to take a break. I've struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager, having periods of depression, panic disorder, and GAD on and off. Also over the past year, I’ve started to suspect that I may have undiagnosed ADHD so there's a lot going on with my brain. I've always been a very sensitive person, and my mental health is the first thing to suffer if I don't take care of myself.

I started feeling a bit better in December, but then things got crazy again with work and the holidays, so I ended up back in burnout land yet again. Now I think I'm finally starting to truly recover as I enter the slow season at work. We are easing back into renovations but I've been trying to take it as easy on myself as possible to avoid falling back into that dark place, which is why you haven't seen much of me on tumblr. It bums me out, and I often feel frustrated with my own limitations when I see everyone posting and chatting and creating and I want so badly to join in, but I sadly just haven't had it in me for a long time. But I'm still lurking and forever obsessed with InuKag and hope to be recovered enough to participate in fandom stuff more soon!

I've still been writing and drawing here and there whenever I get a bit of inspiration. I actually just finished an Inuyasha redraw that I'll be posting soon! I've also been writing a lot more recently, or at least thinking a lot about my WIPs😂. The main one I've been working on is If It Kills Me, which I am dying to share with you all. But it's a mystery/thriller/actiony type of story with plot points that still need to be figured out, so once those pieces fall into place I will hopefully be able to wrap it up. I'm going to be working on it a lot in February, so we'll see what happens.

I would love to share my other main WIP The First and Last this summer (since it's a summer-based story), but we'll see how things go. The next major renovation project is the kitchen 😵‍💫, so fandom things might have to sadly take a backseat again during that. But I'll still be lurking here and missing you all! ❤️

[zeldabecameaqueen]

CONTENT WARNING :

🌼 QSMP current events (3rd-4th March)

🌸 it's all my opinion and pov

🏵️ talking about violence, genocide, politics, triggers for depression and bad mental health

🍀 optimistic (even if it doesn't look like it)

🫧 non-native english speaker speaking heavy stuff in english while being sleep-deprived → incorrect, awkward, clumsy way of speaking

-------------

QSMP has been a light throughout the last year, when so much shit stuff is happening. I did realize before that I needed the qsmp and that it made me feel good, but I didn't realize why, and that's only now that i'm scared of losing the server that I understand. Every single day of qsmp was a day of joy for me, I loved seeing content of different nationalities, I loved so much seeing people interact and create stuff together in the most chaotic way, I loved slowly getting into the different ccs communities and I loved to recognize ids, recognize tumblers and artists. And even when in the lore it was getting dark, it was still fictional and we knew it would get better. And even in real life when some ccs were not being safe, and that communities could get violent and full of hatred, I also knew the server would survive it since there is a vast majority of priceless people who would fight for this safe, international space. And what I just realized, is that when everything is going down in the world in real life, when every day you're flooded with infos about how much humans are bullshit and destroying selfish beings with absolutely no empathy or respect for others, even with every day evidence that there is no hope of it getting better, qsmp was there to give me hope.

I believe that QSMP is a place of creation, international unity and hope. It is a safe place for people who are socially different, for people who have in.visible illnesses, for people who are discriminated against. It is a safe place for people who are incredibly creative, for people who care about life.ves, for people who spread kindness and respect. I don't care if you don't agree, this is how I feel considering who I am.

QSMP is a place of creation and bonding and building. It is a place of light and hope and art and beauty. It is a place for the best of humankind.

My english has gone very bad because I just spent the night with nightmares about the qsmp and anxiety about work and reminders of what is happening in the world and how what I make to help is never enough and how hopeless we all are. Because people who have power, right now, just don't care! I'm not sorry, when you have that much power, and are witnessing such atrocities /a fucking genocide for instance/ given that we have no excuses of resources and wealthiness (i'm speaking from an european pov), when you let this kind of shit happening, as a high-rank politic or head of business company, it's because you don't care, I don't see any kind of reason for letting this kind of things happening

I didn't plan on getting into politics so I'll stop here but the point is, QSMP cannot close down because they exploited their employees/volunteers who put that much work and because of bad administration. The issues have been addressed, and I believe will be resolved. People who don't feel safe anymore on the qsmp will leave for their wellbeing, others will stay to maintain it as the best place it can be. But in the end, I believe in the project, I support it, and I'll fight for it to keep on going under the condition of these matters to be resolved.

It is my opinion and I know a lot of people want to boycott qsmp and unfollow it, especially french people, but i personally disagree with that doing. I feel like we have the power to do something, to make it better and I'm sorry for what the qsmp team has been put through but also grateful towards Léa for her bravery and the other admins who spoke out. Because now we can do something about it, for it to be a safe place for the communities and the admins and actors.

I'm feeling less hopeless now, but please I hope some of us will stay on following and believing in the qsmp, and that we'll find a way to get through, because I don't see how it wouldn't be possible. I mean, just pay your creators/workers, communities will be glad to participate in any way possible, it is an amazing project that won't end on such a crap note.

As I was saying previously, QSMP is a place of creation, of hope for humankind and unity, and respect, and caring. Prove that we are able to overcome this by fighting together

Take care of your health, step away if needed, drink water, sleep, eat and don't blame yourself. No hatred 🌸

[disneyanddisneyships]

@gyubby99 here's my trauma recap

May be triggering so.....

Once upon a time~

My parents divorced when I was 3.

So I ssit h houses a lot which is really taxing because you have two homes but your parents wants you to consider their house your real home.

Anyways, along the time in there my aunt stays with me, my mom, and my sister for a bit. She's off her mess so she trips, falls and cracks her head open in the bathroom while 3 year old me is staring at the blood. (I don't remember this tho. Hence the thing I said abt forgetting trauma because it was too traumatic)

Don't remember anything until I'm in elementary school.

So at 8 years old I got made fun of and bullied a lot.

It's when my depression kicked in.

Got made fun of for my eyebrows, my curly hair, my laugh, and my weight.

Then my older sister moves out and never really talks to me again.

At the elementary school I'm at, my then best friend starts to constantly Dutch and abandon abandon for this other girl.

I begged my mom to move schools.

Then I finally moved elementary schools.

Everything was so great at the new one..... I made friends.... one by the name of Christian.....

I had two best friends, and a crush on this guy who was also a teachers kid like me.

One day, my two best friends don't wanna play what I want, but I already had social anxiety at the age of 9 so I didn't wanna fo anything new. They were fine with that so I turned around to get the stuff we usually do, I turn back and they ditched me... instant flashbacks to the other school.

We're friends again yadda yadda.

Elementary school ends.... I go to middle school....

One of the best friends in as talking about has a twin sister...

Her twin sister hated me for some unknown reason.... all she did was be mean to me.... my teachers were awful (except for my art teacher)... then my best friend and her sister moved to a different school....

I made new friends.. and oh hey, my old friend Chris is there. He does the weird "Yes, No, maybe" thing to qn eraser and asks it if we'd ever be in a relationship. Lmao. It said yes.

The year passes. Chris moved schools.

I had friends that were bad for my mental health. I started self harming.

But it's okay because I had 4 amazing best friends and a few other good friends.

This is when I get my first boyfriend.

He was okay.... I guess... I had art class with him and at the 8th grade dance he said he liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.

But over the summer he ghosted me and my mom had to tell me to give up....

Freshman year of high school.

My dad gets a girlfriend and we all go up to see my grandparents in which my grandma and my dad's girlfriend were teasing me for having a fictional crush. It made me angry

I text the group chat with 3 of my best friends because I need a stress reliever.

My best friend just says "no" to the meme. Doesn't read it, doesn't care.

I blow up because I'm sick of disrespect. "I look at every single meme you guys send. I'm sick of you," is what I said.

My best friend blocks me.

I text my other friends trying to get her to unblock me so I can apologize. She unblocks me, I apologize. She doesn't accept it, calls me selfish and says "and you've lost 2 friends because this person doesn't like you either". I confront the other friend and she calls me manipulative, so I block her.

Me and the other friend didn't stay good friends for long (but they're cool now. We're in the same chour class. They have a Tumblr that I follow)

Um.... then I get closer with other people. Specifically my now former friends.... and.... my other friends ex....

I got so desperate to be loved that me and him started dating.

It was a secret and I didn't tell my mom....

Until she found out by looking at the bill of my phone....

Then she found out I had been self harming.... that was.. traumatic all on its own.

Anyways. Covid hit, and.. he moved schools for sophomore year..... over text we sexted a lot.... I was... desperate for some form of love....

But when I tried with boundaries... it.... I felt bad because when I said I didn't want to, I thought he'd hate me.. I thought hed leave me.....

I didn't even know what was happening was considered assault at the time...

The thing that really stuck with me was when he took his (small) dick out and brought my hand to it. I pulled away but he just grabbed my hand again and made me touch him....

Anyways um....

Later on he starts ghosting me.... a lot..... then one day after not hearing from him for 2 weeks he questions our relationship...

We breakup after 2 years... and we break up right before i go to Disneyland with my family.

He wanted to still be friends but I said i needed time.

I have a breakdown in the hotel at Disney.

And after about a week he texts me and asks if we can still be friends, I say no.

He starts trying to manipulate me. Calls me a bitch. I block him.

I get back from the vacation and I have two friends supporting me. Christian and my other unnamed friend.

I find out Chris likes me and had a crush on me in middle school...... he asks me out but I say no because I just got out of a negative relationship.. so I gave myself the entire summer to lull that over..

Then he asks me out again when senior year starts and I say yes.

He helps me realize that my ex assaulted me.... he also told the counselor by "accident" and I had to tell my parents....

Things go fine... but....

8 months later Chris starts to get flaky. He ghosts me for a while at a time (nowhere near the other guy though)

Until I find out that he told the counselor i was suicidal, and then he broke up with me.

And here we are.

[alextheavoidant]

I posted this as a reply to someone on YouTube under a video about the 8 Passengers situation. Thought I'd share it here because why not.

I feel like I should put a trigger warning here as this post discusses child abuse, but now that I think of it my whole blog probably needs a trigger warning...

Post:

I was also badly abused growing up and this is something I'm just now starting to come to terms with. My parents were divorced when I was five and my father claims he tried to get custody of my siblings and I, but the truth is he didn't want to be a single father and having three little kids to take care of would have gotten in the way of his drinking and partying lifestyle. I never knew my mothers side of the family because she's pretty much been estranged from them since before I was born. But I remember when my sister died from a drug overdose the whole side of my dads family were suddenly so sad about what we went through growing up and would say things like "We tried to give you some sense of normalcy. We always invited you to Christmas and the holidays." As if they were doing us some kind of favor for letting us come to family gatherings.

The worst part is I didn't have to wonder if they knew. I knew they knew because I remember being very vocal about what was happening to us our entire childhood. But every time I tried to tell someone it seemed like they would either turn away and pretend they didn't hear me or make some kind of joke like "Oh yeah, that's your mother. She's crazy. Ha ha ha." or a dismissive "Well, she's the only mother you're ever gonna have, so you gotta love her." or what I feel is one of the most damaging things you can put in an abused child's mind, "I know it may not seem like it, but she loves you in her own way." No one seemed to be worried back then.

The other worst part is instead of being understanding about the ways the abuse has effected us and maybe trying to help us get our lives together, these same people who turned a blind eye to it now have the audacity to judge us for not being "successful", their definition of success being having a great career, lots of money, nice house, nice car, nice marriage with three perfectly behaved, straight A students. We're supposed to be perfect like all of them pretend to be. Just supposed to magically not be affected by any of the abuse and neglect we suffered growing up so that they can pretend it never happened so they don't have to feel guilty about the fact that they knew we were living in a house with a raging alcoholic without food and clean clothes half the time and they did nothing about it. It wasn't *their* responsibility to protect us. Now that we're adults its *our* responsibility to fix ourselves and stop "playing innocent", blaming the family and making them look bad. The only reason we can't is obviously because we're just too inherently defective. Because of course we are. We're "just like our mother". We have her genes. And the kicker? I'm constantly told to "rise above my raising" while also being told I'm "screwing up" my niece because I can't afford to take her out to eat all the time and shit like that. Literal mind fuck.

And yet, the most bizarre part is, the more progress I make in my recovery, as I have been diagnosed with several mental health issues including a severe anxiety disorder (AvPD), the harder and harder they seem to want to come down on me. Like it's not enough that I've spent years in therapy trying to get my life straight, that I'm raising AND homeschooling my sisters child, whom she abandoned long before she passed away. It's not enough just that I survived that hell and I'm still here and I'm not an addict or in jail or on the street. I'm just not getting better fast enough, and that annoys them. They don't want to hear about my recovery because they don't want to acknowledge how fucked up I actually am, and how much work its taking to even try to achieve some sense of normalcy, let alone have a "successful" life and career, according to their standards. My very existence is a stain on the security blanket of lies they wrap themselves up in so they can sleep at night. And they really don't like that.

[relapsdcw]

10.17.2024 , 2:30am

tw:// su!cide, s/h mention, bpd, drug use, medical/ bodily fluids?

it's funny i made this account and then lost all motivation to really blog on it, and now after my boyfriend and i watching shows im high and decided to feel my feelings at a minimum intensity so i can write this lol

the last few days have been a blur, really. i woke up friday morning so stressed out i was brushing my teeth and started gagging, which ended up leading to a panic attack, and i called out of work 30 minutes prior to my start time telling my store manager i "couldn't stop throwing up" when in reality i was so anxious and couldn't stop shaking, so i called in and i couldn't get out of bed for the entire day.

then saturday came, and the stress of me calling out and how bad i felt ended up actually making me sick, and i spent the day with a fever and actually throwing up.

it made me feel good, in a way though? because i've been relapsing with my eating disorder so me being sick was a reason for me to avoid eating all together.

sunday was spent the same way- bed rotting, attempting to play video games- and then losing energy for it after an hour and laying back in bed because being awake is unbearable.

monday came; some important context is that i tend to get violently high on my off days / at night to help my anxiety, i wake up in the morning with it worn off and severe panic attacks every. single. morning. i'm unmedicated and haven't gone to receive medical care in almost 3 years. my BPD looks a lot more like A and less like B. so.. the edibles help.--- anyway, i wake up from nocturnal panic attacks every morning and it's been like that since may of 2023.

it originally started because my fp at the time had started being more emotionally distant after i got a girlfriend (i'll talk abt her in another post), and i slept-called with him every night anyway (yes i understand that is cheating kind of and i feel terrible but i would literally have panic attacks if i didn't call him lol) ANYWAY i noticed he started to get distant and he told me he was sleep calling w another girl at the same time but it felt okay because he said he kept her on his pc while he keeps me on the phone... yeah i was- it was bad erm anyway the only other thing that has really helped in the past has been either not having work the next day, or cuddling with someone while i'm asleep & them rubbing my back / holding me back to sleep whenever i wake up from more anxiety. ANYWYAY. It was monday-- i had work.

i went to work, i spent the entire day thinking i had a bladder infection when in reality i was so anxious i couldn't stop peeing (no seriously, i kept apologising to my team because i kept peeing every 40 minutes or so) and i felt SO TERRIBLE because my team was perfect we should've gotten out early anyway, i had to text my mom and tell her i had to go to the clinic in the morning, and she said okay after a few attempts of me trying to reach her. (her and my dad drove somewhere to buy erm.. idk can i say this in tumblr? lol.) anyway, i got home and my shift ended- i ran into my parents and talked about it with my mom who couldn't understand what a uti was and i just had to explain it hurt to pee.. anyway we planned to go at 9:30 on tuesday

that night also my boyfriend and i got into a fight and i ended up freaking out and trying to break up with him (i genuinely don't remember what the fight was about) (idk if it was a split or a i was hangry but i blacked out with anger) ... my boyfriend is more patient than i could ever ask for.

tuesday comes: my mom moves the time from 930 to 1130. for some reason this triggered my bpd and i started to take it as she doesn't care about me because i need to go to the clinic and she's wasting my time and she keeps moving the time to later because she doesn't want to hang out with me because she has flaked on me the last 4 times i asked to go somewhere with her and in that moment i was a little girl who needed her mom to take her to the doctor and i felt abandoned. she ended up walking into my room and giving me her antibiotics but i said i don't even know if i really had one, i didn't want to risk antibiotic resistance by taking her medication and it freaked me out- she got mad at me and we started arguing and the argument got so bad i just left. i started to run. i couldn't think about what i was doing i grabbed my phone and my wallet and just left.

i was so mad. the nausea started to set in and i started to feel sick leaving home. it felt like i was in high school again and i was scared. i just left. i'm 22 and i felt like a scared little kid. my mom and i arguing back and forth- i finally come home a little bit later after my mom and i talked. i walk in the door with her asking to go to the clinic now but i felt so exhausted from the fight i had no energy. i didn't care if i had a bladder infection or not i felt so tired- and then she kept prying. "let's go already" over and over again and it just snapped something. we started yelling-- i started yelling, i kept telling her how i thought she was just like dad, how manipulative she is and how fucked up it is that she's picking an abuser over her kids and how much i hate it when she gets high and how i cant trust her and how i cant even eat her food because its disgusting, she had known i wasn't eating and sick and i said that, and i saw the look on her face while she started to blame herself- she tried to come in and hug me but in the moment i was so scared i started to crawl away from her and told her i couldn't do this. i walked upstairs sobbing and started throwing stuff around my room, i felt like a toddler. i hated it. but i couldn't stop it felt like my emotions controlled me and i couldn't see anything good. i looked at the antibiotics my mom had given me earlier and googled them.

i could overdose on this.

it was all that was going through my mind i started to fantasise about my last moments i was sobbing dreaming about the pain but how i wouldn't have to live like this anymore; how i could finally rest, how tired i am- i felt scared for a second- and texted my boyfriend. he begged me not to do anything and i finally calmed down enough to sit on my carpet. i sat there for an hour just picking around at it trying to avoid getting up or moving because if i did, i would've reached for the bottle. i ended up getting so mad i smashed my glasses into my floor while sitting in my carpet and snapped them in 4 different pieces. that wasn't getting fixed. the rage still wasn't gone. i needed to hurt myself. my razors were within reach but instead i grabbed my hair brush. and started untangling my carpet. and i kept doing it until i felt like it was clean. if it was clean. i can be calm. if i can be calm, i can be done. and i did that for a few hours until i got up and started to clean my room. i got up and showered. my mom and i didn't talk for the rest of the night and i ended up spending the night watching movies on discord with my bf, but i got super sick so i had my face above my tea kettle boiling water so my nose could drain because erm.. i got really sick from going outside.

anyway.

now today- we'll yesterday was wednesday. my mom and i texted. i said i was sorry. i could pee with no pain until the very very end so i am instead trying to drink more water because i read that pee is actually super acidic and if u don't drink water it's super concentrated and i remember i really.. hadn't had any water the entire weekend/prev 5 days... so i've been drinking water and it doesn't bother me as much today? my dad doesn't want my mom doing my laundry because i "don't deserve it" but idk how he's allowed to live here when he's abused tf out of us our entire lives but go off ig idk ✨parental trauma sry✨ anyway my mom and i planned to go do my laundry today at 10:30am so im writing this and passing out.

i feel better today. i think. i cleaned my room more and ordered food and i was actually able to eat it. i'm kind of very broke now because i bought some stuff on amazon related to kink and wow that's expensive and i splurged more because... spending problems when upset.. lots of credit card debt.. (can get more into that too) but yeah. i ate food, my bf n i watched wizards of waverly place. i love him so much. i really do. argh lemme make an entire post abt him i swear

[lilsprite-dreamlog]

4/6/15

I found this note from 9 years ago. Huge trigger warning ⚠️

Saving this in my lil online journal to remind myself how far I have come in my mental health journey.

Continue reading at your own detriment.

I constantly wake up and wonder why. why i am so lucky every single fucking day. My mind is a hurricane going straight for a radiation plant conveniently located to a large city filled of hopeless people waiting for their demise. my emotions are like a menopausal woman's a/c unit. hot and cold. cold and hot. i want to run. far away from everything that reminds me of the shit person i have become, start anew. yet i want to stay...locked in my room with all the candy and video games a gamer could want. and just one sharp blade. a large bottle of motrin. maybe a gun would do it. i certainly couldn’t hang myself. i like the thought of a gun. to have whatever is left inside of my hollow emotionless body sprayed across the walls and ceilings. it could be my final painting i ever paint. a red painting of pain.

i say these terrible things to myself and i wonder. why do i have these tendencies? why do i want to die as soon as i am bestowed with the gift of life when i wake up from another sleepless night filled with tears and denial and regret and pain and hate. and yet i feel as though my days are like a sunny rainy day. have you ever been somewhere where its sunny with barely any clouds but it’s still raining? thats how i would describe my life right now.

i love my life and everything in it. my mom dad brother all love me. i have great friends also. i have 2 dogs that are my life. i am young and “healthy”. why isn’t this enough for me. why do i want this? why do i want this all to go away?

i am not afraid of death. is that why i wish it upon myself? is it because i cant handle living in fucked up society anymore? living to work, working to live? that is not the life i want. unfortunately that is the only thing anybody can do in this life. not so bad if you do what you love for the rest of your life right? but what do i love? i am such a wildfire and i am not consistent. only when it comes to anime but in other things in life i cannot seem to grasp something that keeps me grounded. that is why i am scared to try hard drugs cause i know for sure i would be hooked. same reason why i dont gamble. i love drinking too much and i dont tell anyone that.

i smile everyday and laugh. when really i want to scream so fucking hard my lungs fall out of my throat and i cant breathe anymore. every time i drive my truck i do a small prayer a drunk driver kills me. sometimes i drive super fast and take my belt off and close my eyes then take my hands off the wheel. sometimes i put the blade to my skin but people will notice so i just do a small one when really i want to know how it feels to be stabbed in the heart. i know i have done it to many unfortunate souls that have seen some kind of light in my eyes. sometimes i put a handful of pills in my mouth.

i wonder if im fucked up like this because of my past. my cousin raped me when i was young. i was like 3 or 4. i was too young to know what he was doing was bad. so he did it for awhile then it stopped. now i am fucked up in bed. i like it crazy. but deep down i don’t enjoy sex. it doesn’t feel good to me. but rather i enjoy the act of taking each others clothes and being bad. maybe thats my problem i enjoy being bad. but i know thats not it because i’ve never stolen anything in my life ha.

so what is it? why do you hate yourself so much that you want to die? i’m coo coo thats for damn sure. what i really need is to be locked up in a hospital so i don’t hurt anyone else. but hospitals give me horrible anxiety and the shrinks are just snitches with degrees and nice clothing. wolves in sheep clothing thats all they are. one of my shrinks wanted to send me to rehab. another one was turning me against my family, he sucked. if i ever go to a mental house i will definitely kill myself. or i will turn into all the people there. sometimes i feel like i belong there though because i don’t feel much of anything anymore just sadness. i am crazy on the outside but i am a normal moody 20 year old.

maybe i should do something bad so i can go to jail the rest of my life and be a loser. then piss off some lady named dorris and have her shank me with a plastic fork. yeah i’ve thought about that path can you tell? ‘damn’ you must be thinking. ‘what the fuck is wrong this girl’. i have no fucking idea and i wish i did.

my mom was such an amazing parent to me and i didn’t fucking deserve any of it. i don’t deserve it. i don’t deserve all the love that is given to me. at all. i don’t deserve anything, thinking these thoughts. i wake up and cry because i still exist. i cry because i hate myself. i cry because i’m so fucking worthless. i am such a piece of shit and i know it. i have more fucking issues than vogue. if i don’t kill myself now i will eventually do it. before i start to get wrinkles joint pain and go deaf i will.

i’m so fucking selfish to think these thoughts and praying to die when my mom is fighting for her life. she might have cancer again and she does not deserve this sentence. i am selfish for wishing i had it so i could die and finally leave this ugly universe. and all she wants to do is live. then i really hate myself for that and the cycle continues. and its like this everyday. i don’t know what to do anymore with myself i am so far lost i am beyond wandering or exploring. i am about to jump into the deep end and i will not know if i will make it out this time. i only stay alive for the sake of those around me unfortunately.

[whatevenisexisting]

I want to believe her I want to believe her I want to believe her.

I totally respect she doesn’t want to talk about her sexuality.

But it’s the second part, that she is in a difficult season and that she said she values me, but her capacity is small for us to call or chat over video.

I knew our friendship changed when she left for college.

Before I started college she was married and when I was in college, she already had a baby.

We were in different seasons of life then but she showed up for me when I needed it, she made it clear how much she respects me and still sees me as important.

And I wanted to do the same, I tried to do the same, but she just wasn’t as open with me. Probably because she had a husband and other friends and a daughter.

It makes sense.

I feel like I’ve always seen her as more important to me, and it’s because she WAS so important to me. She is such an amazing friend and was there for me when I needed her and words cannot describe how deeply I value her.

I know she values me.

But those words, I guess they’re triggering.

Does does she mean them?

The “but” part, is that a hint? Does she mean it when she says she values me BUT her capacity is small right now?

Is that all she means?

Is there a deeper message there?

A message that is maybe not something she is saying, just that she really doesn’t view me as a friend and she would not miss me if I disappeared?

It’s happened before. Where I was told I was valued, loved, valued, and lied to.

It’s happened before and that’s why I’m triggered.

I can’t put this on her. I thanked her for being honest and straight with me because it helps my anxiety, and told her friend trauma makes it hard to believe, but I added that at ten years of friendship, I feel like I can trust her.

I hate it. I hate that I said that.

Because even if she reassured me again, I won’t believe her fully. I just can’t.

I don’t experience this with other friends, but I know, because of where we are at in our friendship, that we are secure.

I think the lack of closeness is what makes this friendship feel insecure, even though it’s been this way for a long time. And not in a bad way - more like, it just is. I’ve grown to accept it. We are at such different stages in life and it fucking sucks, but right now that’s just how it is. She’s a mom and a wife and a teacher, I’m a single person living by myself with my cats, bio kids aren’t coming out of me and I only see foster kiddos in my future right now. I finally work a full-time job but since 2017 i was in college, save for most of 2020 (COVID) and a short break after May 2022 (looking for a job for six months).

It’s hard to put all of this into words for me. I want to believe her. Some part of me knows she is being honest but another part of me just. Can’t. Another part of me, the part of me that’s been betrayed and lied to, by one friend in particular, is saying, “She doesn’t mean it. In fact, what’s she saying Liza, is that she “values” you but she wouldn’t be sad if your friendship ended, she wouldn’t care. She sees you as a person yeah, and she respects you, but a friend? Not really.”

“You’re not that important to her.”

But even that is not quite capturing what my thoughts are saying.

I guess what it comes down to is that I’m just. Triggered.

And it’s not her fault. It’s something I have to take responsibility for, and I am, by writing this out anonymously on a blog, and by bringing it up in therapy tomorrow.

I have to believe her.

There is no reason to not believe her.

Here is what I’m saying to me in closing:

A, her actions were as empty as her words. She didn’t show up when you needed her, she didn’t even try. She made it clear to you that she didn’t see you as a friend anymore because of her actions, even if what she said was different. She lied to you, and you have every right to be hurt.”

“You were not important to her.”

Because of what she did, it makes sense that you are triggered and anxious in this moment.

But V? She hasn’t done this. Her actions always matched her words, in whatever way she had capacity and time for. When you told her you felt like she didn’t care, she called and left voicemails. When you were first in college, she sent you sweet cards Just Because. She invited you to her wedding. She let you visit her and her husband and her daughter. She is honest with you, telling you that she doesn’t have a lot of capacity but still values you. She is honest with you by setting her boundaries. She sometimes heart reacts your stories, or replies to what you send her. She acknowledges you.”

“You are important to her.”

V’s actions match her words.

It is allowed to hurt because you do want to be closer, but it is not something she can give right now. And that’s okay. It is okay to hurt just as much as it’s okay for her to have set that boundary.

The two can co-exist.

I was supposed to talk about my mom in therapy tomorrow but this is what I feel may need to be more important, at least in the moment. It might change. That’s okay.

Time to get back to dinner.

[jaybirdiewrites]

Daniel James Fenton was sixteen when he made the decision to leave Amity forever, and, after blowing up every GIW base in existence, and shutting down the portal, there was no more need for him there anyways. He could continue school online. The moon had a wifi signal, right?

And, when, one year later, he got an early acceptance email from one Metropolis University, including a full-ride scholarship, accommodations, and the resources needed, he honestly just thought it was because of his good grades. Doing school in space would do that for you. 

And then, at the age of twenty-five, he graduated from Metropolis University with dual PhDs in Engineering and chemistry. Danny was incredibly surprised to find a job offer almost immediately at Gotham Academy.

He should have known his good fortune wouldn’t last. It never did.

As a result, his students were all tied up in a row, a gun to one of their heads as the worst circus attempt he had ever seen “interrogated” him. Honestly, Wes had done a better job threatening him. At least he had the evidence to back it up. 

You know what? Fuck this clown dude, whatever his name was. Fuck clowns in general. This guy absolutely radiated death, so killing him would probably make him Danny’s full time problem. 

Doing anything but killing him, however, would be perfectly fine.

That marked the first, and only, Gotham Rouge who attacked Gotham Academy. 

That was also the students first ever hands-on lesson on bomb disabling, combat-through-nervous-system, and how to hold off on the effects of Joker Gas in lower quantities, and that year, any student in Dr. Fenton’s Chemistry Class knew how to isolate chemicals, and create anti-venoms in the form of candies for every. Single. Rouge.

Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne also gained gray hairs, and one-hundred-and-eighty-seven different contingency plans for a Gotham Rouge that could probably destroy the universe if he wanted to. 

And to think he was better at engineering?

The following year, there was a new gym teacher by the name of Dash Baxter.

_=-=-=-=-==-==-=-

You’re welcome to ignore this if you’ve never interacted with my account but;

Look. I know you guys want updates. I want to give you updates. But I am also a high school student working through some shit, and I have 4 CPTs and 6 exams. Please give me time.

Getting comments telling me to update, or anons with rude messages essentially telling me to fuck off does not help me get shit done. Quite the opposite.

I have anxiety and ADHD. Horrible combo I know, but that means that after i see that comment or anon or message or whatever, working on that fic can end up triggering me to the point of me now having regular overloads because of the stress of it all.

I am taking a break until February on Wattpad and Ao3. I am active on here still because i write shit during my free time for fun. That does not make you entitled to anything i write. Not updates, not how long it is, not who or what is in it. so please stop. You will be blocked. If the comment is bad enough I will (and have) blocked mutuals of yours. I will google your tumblr and try and trace that back to other socials. I will block you there too, and report you everywhere i can find you.

Don’t ruin something I love by sending me a step down from death threats when I don’t update for a month. I gave you a reasonable explanation and a Wattpad update on fucking CHRISTMAS.

Short DPXDC Prompts #468

Danny is a Chemistry teacher at Gotham Academy. His favorite student is Tim. He shocks the students by teaching and creating a Fear Antitoxin for the kids to learn as part of their curriculum.

[teddy06writes]

Can I request a Sapnap x Karl x Quakity x Y/N ? I just like polyam ships and your Sapnap x Karl x Y/n just made me want more

Ee hee, thanks for the request

Sapnap x karl x reader x quackity (THE PEOPLE ARE ENABLING MEEEE)

trigger warnings: swearing, panic attack

premise: you and your boyfriends are out shopping/ trying to get kicked out of a target when you run into your asshole ex, when he starts to bother you your boys take care of it

(y/n/n)- your nick name

(also we’re pretending covid isn’t a thing)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“(y/n)! We are gods!”  

You turned at Alex’s call, snorting upon seeing he and Karl T posing while standing in the target cart, Nick balanced on the front, also t posing.

You laughed at your boyfriends, quickly taking a picture before Karl started to wobble and fall, “You guys are ridiculous.”

“Yup!” Karl grinned as Alex helped him out of the cart to avoid falling.

You shook your head, quietly putting the picture onto your twitter with the caption, ‘look at these nerds <3′

“You guys are gonna die from idiocy some day.”

“Not when your there to save us.” Nick countered, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“If anything they’ll get dragged down with us.” Alex scoffed.

“Tragically,” You muttered, “Did we actually come here to do anything but solicit?”

Karl giggled, “Well I thought we were just terrorizing the people of Target.”

“The only thing we actually needed was more notecards.” Nick reminded helpfully.

You smiled, “At least one of you is useful.”

“Hey!” Alex protested, “We’re useful too!”

“Sometimes.”  Karl giggled again.

“Betrayal!” He gasped dramatically as Karl threw his arms around his shoulders.

You rolled your eyes, “Well, if your useful too then, help me find notecards.”

Alex sighed dramatically, grabbing one your your hands and intertwining your fingers, “If we must.”

Karl grinned, hopping back to sit in the cart, “Lets go then!”

Nick rolled his eyes, muttering something about being ridiculous, before moving to the push the cart, you and Alex moving along beside them.

~~

A half hour later found many random unnecessary but still necessary items piled into the cart around Karl, and note cards had still not been found.

You were hallway through the seasonal section when you sighed, “Alright this is taking too long, I’m going to actually get the note cards, I think they’re just down there, try not to break anything.”

Karl chuckled, “No promises.”

You smiled and headed out of the isle, towards office supplies.

“Well, well, well, (y/n), fancy seeing you here.”

You froze in the middle of grabbing the biggest package of notecards, trying to keep your hand still as you turned, “John,,, uh hi?”

Now, John wasn’t the worst person, no your relationship wasn’t necessarily bad, but towards the end it definitely took a turn for the worse. When you’d first brought up breaking things off he was, less than thrilled, leaving the last few weeks of your relationship a battle field of screaming matches that consisted of little more than his yells.

“It’s been a while.” He smiled.

“Uhh, yeah, it has been.” You began to fidget with your fingers, eyes darting back up the isle towards where you’d left Nick, Alex and Karl.

“Let me guess, still single?” He laughed, “Yeah it would make sense, I’ve only pulled like one person since you.”

You glanced down, “Uhh, no actually.”

John frowned, letting acid drip into his voice, “Oh, I guess the were right when they said you always moved on fast.”

“It- it- it- it’s been a year and a half?” Your attempts to keep your voce steady began to fail, “And, I’ve only been dating one of them for a few months.”

-It was true, Alex had been the last one to join your relationship a few months ago-

His eyes narrowed, “You’re not telling me you’re still on the stupid polyamory thing are you?”

You cleared your throat uncertainly, “um, y- yeah, I have three boyfriends.”

He rolled his eyes, “There's no chance you’d ever fucking pull three people. Hell you barley even managed me.”

Your gaze stayed trained on the tile floor, unspeaking.

“It’s clear you haven’t moved past fucking your way into a relationship.”

You bit your lip, tears welling in your eyes as your breathing quickened, deep down you knew it wasn’t true, as a group you all respected Karl’s asexuality, even once, over some late night conversation of cuddles and lazily traded kisses, going so far as to promise that the relationship would remain entirely romantic if it made him more comfortable, and it had.

Still, there was a nagging in the back of your head, telling you that John was right. There obviously was only one reason they kept  you around.

“That really is a shame,” You felt his hand rest on your shoulder, “I know I would stay with you for more than that.”

“Get your fucking hand off of them or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!”

You were simultaneously relieved and flooded with more anxiety upon hearing Nick’s voice.

“Who are you?” John asked skeptically.

“Their boyfriends, who the fuck are you?” Alex spit.

He laughed, dry and harsh, “So you’re the fucking idols who thought you could get away with dating (y/n), not that I care their very-”

“No, you shut the fuck up!” Nick cut him off before he could say anything else advancing up the isle towards him, “Why the fuck are you bothering them?!”

They continued a back and forth exchange, as you slowly slid down to the floor, nails pressing tightly into your palms, breathing far too fast.

“Hey, hey, (y/n/n), (y/n/n) look at me.”

You opened eyes that you didn’t realize had been screwed shut to see Karl kneeling sitting In front of you, looking worried.

“Can I touch you or no darlin?” He asked softly, almost making you forget the yelling happening only a few feet away.

You bit your lip, quickly shaking your head, the tiny seed of doubt John had planted in your mind starting to grow.

“Okay, that’s fine. Can you breath with me? In for seven, hold for 4 out for 8, yeah?”

After a moment of trying to breath in sync with him, you held out a hand, and understanding Karl took it, moving to pull you into his arms, “In for 7, out for 8, just like me alright?”

You all but melted into his touch, doing your best to breath normally again.

“Get the fuck outta here man!” Alex yelled.

“You’re gonna regret this.” John sneered.

“No,” Nick said firmly, “Your gonna regret messing with our partner if you don’t fucking leave.”

After you heard footsteps hurrying away you felt Alex settle on your other side, “You alright baby?”

“Their starting to breath normally again.” Karl reported, running a hand through your hair.

Nick sat down on Karl’s other side, and you all stayed sat on the floor of the offices supply isle, Alex sending death glares to anyone who tried to ask you to move.

Eventually you sat up, sniffing.

“Who was that?” Nick asked softly.

“My ex.” You murmured.

“Why was he bothering you? What did he say?”

“Stupid stuff,” You muttered, rubbing at your eyes, “C’n we go home now?”

“Of course Darlin.” Karl assured, standing up and turning to help you up.

~~

Later, back at the apartment, after everything had been put away, you all ended up in a cuddle plie on the couch, and that seed of doubt was beginning to shrivel with every pass Nick’s hands made through your hair, every small circle Alex absently traced into your palm and every tiny joke Karl made about the movie playing.

“Guys?” You asked softly.

“Yeah?” Alex asked.

“I love you.”

Karl grinned, “We love you too.”

Alex pressed a kiss to your knuckles in understanding and Nick  hummed in response.

The tiny seed of doubt was gone.

[dubulgeandtaebooty]

Tw vent and death (and a little bit of family business)

I was 10 years old when my brother was fatally killed by gang members. Even 8 years later, I could still vividly recall the while entire event like a videotape. The cries of help, the blood pouring out of his body that would drip all over the floor, the knife that killed him, the laughter of his killers as they run away hoping that they wouldn’t be found, the sound of ambulance coming to take him to the hospital as I told him that I loved him as police officers took me away from him. His last words to me was “Takashi, I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry about me. Go home.”

He died on his way to the hospital at just aged 14. He was sending drugs to Manchester, Liverpool, all over the UK, just to make some ends meet. My dad was abusive to us and our mom and so she turned into an alcoholic and he would leave us for another woman. This would be how we would have food into the table. He would earn some money so he would pay the rent that mom would purposely forget to do so. However, one of those days he was caught and had to go to prison for few months. Because he didn’t do his job, they tracked him down and killed him. I saw it all.

A month after he passed away, my mom went along too. Guess who found her body? Me. I saw her lifeless body in the living room when I came home and remembered shaking her in hopes she would wake up, but she never did. Just seeing her pale body haunts me as well as my brother screaming. I will never get those images out of my head and they’ll be with me for the rest of my life.

I couldn’t even listen to drill music knowing that this is the kind of shit my brother’s killers listen to. Seeing those people in masks and holding some sort of weapon gives me flashbacks and makes me wanna throw up on the spot. I hate seeing people die for the same reason, especially if it’s someone around the same age as my brother. I hate seeing this shit going all over the news. I get terrible anxiety attacks whenever I even think about something as simple as a knife. But what can I do? Every single day, I have to deal with my triggers being around me 24/7. I’m seeing drill music and remixes getting popular on Tiktok, knives are basically everywhere and those films that depict gang violence, they’re everywhere.

This is why I find it so funny that here on Tumblr I’m seeing people in their 20s crying about people using the wrong hashtag when there are serious shit happening in this world such as their family members or friends dying and they have to watch that shit whilst you are able to view the censored version online. Consider yourself privileged. I didn’t get to see a “TW” before my brother died or even saw it pixelated. I saw it raw. I could even hear the squelching sounds of the knife going in and out of him. Trust me, I could hear everything and it’s very uncomfortable for me to sit through this every single fucking day of my life. It was so bad that I even resorted to drugs and taking my own life. Trust me, it fucking sucks. I don’t even wish this upon my worst enemy.

How can you be so lost in your head that you think the internet can help you with your first world problems? Life doesn’t have a trigger warning, it just happened. If god knew that my brother was going to die today, he would just put a “TW” before my day started. It was just a normal day just like any other day. I got out of bed and I did my morning routine. That very day, I went home from my friend’s house and saw him running across the street. I thought he was trying to catch the bus, but I was dead wrong. He was running for his life.

As someone with extreme PTSD, the fanfics in the #ptsdrecovery does affect me. I find it so damn stupid if they do so, especially if they showcase the actual scene of the gang violence in vague detail. However, the only people I could let them off are newbies to this app. I understand how different the app it is to an app like Instagram or something. I do it too when I go on Instagram and I would under tag because I don’t know how their algorithm works. It’s all human error and they could learn not to do it again, but for those that deliberately do it, especially for many years, they piss me the fuck off.

But here’s the thing, Tumblr isn’t your free therapy session. There are full of people with different coping mechanisms and strategies. If Tumblr was to cater only to those who get triggered over fanfictions showing up on recovery tag, then is it even a freedom of speech app? Tell me if that’s fair to ban anyone who has reading or making fanfictions as a coping mechanism just because one person feels entitled to their problems and puts the blame on others. Although it is super frustrating that we have to deal with this, there’s nothing we could do. We could tell people to make another hashtags to be specific which is #ptsdrecoveryfanfics but what would you do if you see one anyways?

See the problem isn’t the users, it’s your mindset. It’s not our responsibility to stop you from getting triggered, it’s you. People are just living their lives the way they do and so they shouldn’t be obligated to follow by your rules only. I mean, do you think I tell my friends not to play drill music when I’m around? Do I tell stores to not sell knives just because I get triggered by it. No. Unfortunately, I have to move on. No matter how hard it is, I do need to continue with my life. Trust me, this is not an easy task. Having to move on like it was a small inconvenience in my life was difficult, which is why I had go to cognitive behavioural therapy, take some meds and so much shit just so I could live my normal life.

Even now, I could still imagine the scene one and on again, and it makes me want to live in the past. It’s not just I want to see him again, I just wished I stayed at my friend’s house for much longer. Maybe if I was there for few more minutes, I would only have the memory of him going to the hospital. If I went back to get my charger for my phone, I wouldn’t be aching to have this image in my head.

But what could I do? It has already happened. This just taught me a valuable lesson. If you are able to watch things with a trigger warning and a blur hiding the horrifying scene, then you’re privileged. There are people dying in wars, most notably, in Ukraine. Families are dying, friends are getting lost, people losing strangers they had met just few hours ago. You could meet someone and not know if this is the last time you’ll see them or not. They don’t get to have their deaths blurred. Sone people would see their loved ones in brutal conditions that their bodies are fully mutated that it doesn’t even look like them anymore. Even if they weren’t there, that image would stay with them for the rest of their lives.

There are SERIOUS things that are happening in this world and the only thing those, mind I tell you, ADULTS harassing literal newbies in this app just because they used the wrong tag for their fanfiction posts. And for them to be so entitled to think that Tumblr is all about them and them only because they’re right and they know everything. NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T. This is a first world problem that YOU’RE dealing with. There are millions of people starving to death because they cannot afford to bring food into their plates. There are women and girls getting raped into this day because there are asshole men that wants to take advantage of them and that pisses me the fuck up seeing the fucked up things they do to these people, and your only problem are people using the wrong tags whether it’s an accident or not?

I’ve fucking seen everything. I watched my parents fight, my brother’s unlawful death, I saw my mother’s lifeless body on the couch at the living room, my dad left me meaning that me and my sisters had to go move with my grandparents. I bullied at school for being Asian, gay and fat. I was once beaten up to the point where I was hospitalised. It happened in 2020 too during the pandemic. Everyone called me “ching-chong” and told me to go back to where I came from. In the pandemic version, they also told me to kill myself. Then, my sister got raped. That got me sick to my stomach seeing how differently she acted. I also saw her get abused by her boyfriend and I had to step in and beat him up. I was stabbed on the arm by the one thing I was scared of, a knife. He happily called me faggot and chink as I was in excruciating pain. I don’t know how I could explain it, but it was not good.

At this point, I had a big hatred towards the world. However, you only have one life and you gotta live it. I could of chose to be chronically online just like the rest of us on Tumblr, or I could continue fighting and living my life. I chose to be in the real world, because once it’s gone, there’s no going back. I have my friends with me and a crush in my class. I chose to live my life because that was the only thing I could do. I don’t like being online as much, but this is why I only go there to protect my friends.

To give you a summary because some Tumblr users are retarded, I agree with said post and I had stated clearly how I felt about fanfictions going into recovery tags. The only thing I said was that I would understand if it was a newbie. If it was someone who casually does it despite knowing that they shouldn’t do that, then they should know what’s coming. Newbies are NEW to this app. They probably came from an app like Instagram. As someone with extreme PTSD, I’ll forgive them, especially if it’s their first time overtagging because they simply didn’t know how this app works. If it’s someone who has been doing it for years and hasn’t changed ever since, then yes I could understand why you can get mad at them. Unless if you’re mentally retarded, everyone should agree with this whether you hate people overtagging or not. No newbies are going to search up “how to tag on tumblr.” It’s just not realistic. What’s really going to happen is that they’re going to overtag or use the wrong tags and if someone can nicely explain it to them that they shouldn’t be tagging like that, then they’ll take it seriously and quit it. They’re human too and they’ll understand it. They aren’t going to listen to a crazy looking blogger screaming in dms because they aren’t going to take it seriously. This is just facts. But also, I feel like the people who are triggered, they kinda have to do their part as well. Like I said earlier, people aren’t obligated to give a trigger warning or help you when you get triggered. If they do however, it’s out of luck. Most people (especially in the real world) doesn’t give a shit about you. You wanna know why? They’re too busy into their own lives that they aren’t going to censor every word you are triggered over just so they could protect your precious feelings. This is life and you have to live by its rules. If you see something triggering, it’s up to you with how you go about it. If I was to see knives, I’ll just use filtered tags or words. Of course, you’ll still gonna see some regardless. This is because you cannot run away from reality. You’ll have to face it one day.

I know for some people it’s hard to digest, so I made an even dumber version of the summary. Crosstagging is bad. However, newbies can be forgiven because they didn’t know. not to. Of course newbies could search on google “how to tag posts” but it’s not realistic. Realistically, they will post and then figure out when someone tells them. If you do, it is better for you to explain it nicely and clearly so they would know for the next time not to overtag. But, if it’s someone who has been in this app for many years and wouldn’t stop, then yes, it is bad and they should be banned. But nonetheless, you need to help yourself too. Go to settings and put filter tags or words so you can hide certain posts you don’t want to see. There are very little things you could do in this situation, which means that you’ll need to face the harsh reality one day that not everything is censored and so you’ll see things that are uncensored.

Sorry for the language. I just had been so stressed lately. I think I’m gonna take a break from using this app.

[wordsnstuff]

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing About Mental Illness

Patreon || Ko-Fi || Masterlist || Work In Progress

–

Reinforcing Stereotypes

This goes without saying, but neurodivergent people (and characters) each experience and cope with their mental illnesses differently. Schizophrenia is not simply hallucinations. Depression is not simply feeling suicidal. Anxiety is not simply consistent fear or unease. Your character, depending on what causes/triggers their symptoms, will present their mental illnesses differently, both on the inside and outside. A person’s experience of mental illness is affected by their environment, their background, their priorities, their personality, and their other struggles. Reflect this in their story, rather than reading a long list of general symptoms and checking them off in your draft. 

1 Symptom Sally

Mental illness affects every aspect of an individual’s life. It’s more complicated and far-reaching than simply “having a harder time than everyone else”. Depression, for instance, is frequently portrayed with an acute emphasis on the symptoms of fatigue, lack of motivation, and sadness. However, depression has a lot of symptoms that many aren’t aware are connected to the illness, such as executive dysfunction, irritability, and sickness. Even those with a general diagnosis of a mental illness aren’t going to have that diagnosis just because they feel sad a lot of the time. There must be more, and it must be shown.  

Romanticizing Suicide

There’s a delicate balance between depicting the reality and gravity of suicidal thoughts/ideation and making it sound appealing. If you’re reading a story, narrated by a character who has suicidal tendencies, it’s inevitable that their thought process will justify or rationalize those thoughts. Approach this with care, and remember that as a writer, you have influence over your readers (whether intentionally or not), and you should prioritize the responsibility you have to avoid romanticizing suicide over the task of portraying it accurately. Some things simply hurt more than they help. 

Generalizing Experiences

Mental illness is inconsistent. Some people display two or three symptoms that are easily recognized, but some experience symptoms most don’t even associate with those illnesses at all. For example, generalized anxiety disorder can present in individuals with a more physically debilitating set of effects, rather than primarily manifesting in feelings of fear or unease. Yes, anxiety is the state of being anxious, but it can also be sensory overload, executive dysfunction, flu-like illness, and fatigue. Every mental illness is unique to the individual who struggles with it, so be aware that your characters should be representing that reality as well. 

Ignoring Coping Mechanisms

Most people who have a mental illness that has progressed to the point of seeking a diagnosis and perhaps treatment have established various levels of coping mechanisms. These can be things like substance abuse or self harm, but they can also be more subtle, like hyper-fixation on media they like or excessive reliance on friends or family. If you’re going to write a character with a mental illness, you should know what they have to do to get through the day. What exercises have they adopted to adapt to their situation? What effect have these mechanisms had on their lifestyle and relationships?

Illnesses Having No Effect On Relationships

Mental illness, especially after having struggled with them for a long period, affects who we are, how we behave and interact, and changes our priorities and thought process. It’s inevitable that it will impact our relationships with other people. In order to accurately depict this experience, you have to also know the characters on the other side, who are maintaining a relationship with your neurodivergent character. What are their thoughts on mental health? How well do they understand what your character is experiencing? Are they more likely to want to be there for or distance themselves from the character because of their mental illness? Strain on relationships can be a very distinct part of a neurodivergent person’s experience with mental illness, and it’s important to represent that. The stigma is still very real and shows up regularly, even in little ways, and in a more accommodating world.

Extreme Cases Only

Some people experience mental illness on a chronic level, others do not. There’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, which tends to only present symptoms in certain periods of the year for various reasons, for example. It could be classified as a “less severe” form of depression, and it’s very common. Not all depression is the same, and it doesn’t always result in severe cases of suicidal ideation or self harm. If you only depict characters in the most extreme cases, who experience their symptoms at the highest level at all times, you may be reinforcing stereotypes about neurodivergence that have taken decades to dismantle. Not everyone with mental illness has an extreme case, and pretending they do can reinforce the idea that all neurodivergent people are “crazy”. 

Good Days vs. Bad Days

Neurodivergent individuals usually experience their symptoms on a wide spectrum of severity. There are good and bad days, and everything in between. Sure, some days, one may experience virtually no symptoms and be very happy and productive, and be totally unable to maintain their composure on others. However, the majority of the time is occupied by a middle ground. Days where a person isn’t constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but they struggle to accomplish their typical agenda, and they feel a variety of symptoms at noticeable, but more manageable level. Symptoms can also intensify steadily and endure for variable periods of time. 

Curing Mental Illness With Romance

Let me say this clearly, and insist you don’t argue: mental illness cannot be cured by a relationship. I admit that new relationships or positive attention can offset symptoms, but if a character’s mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) miraculously resolves because a new partner comes into their life, they either weren’t mentally ill in the first place, or you have misunderstood mental illness. There can be months or even years where someone can go without experiencing their symptoms at a noticeable level, but they will always be neurodivergent, and a new partner isn’t going to change that. That portrayal minimizes the experience of mental illness and trivializes symptoms people suffer with every single day. Do not do this. Please. Just don’t. You can say your character has prolonged period of sadness, but you cannot slap the word “depression” on them, then have all their symptoms disappear because they’ve got a hot date.

Not Every Illness Is Caused By Trauma

This is simply a point of knowledge more writers should have a grasp of. Mental illness can be caused by genetics, chemical imbalances, deficiencies, severe and prolonged stress, longterm health conditions, social isolation or loneliness, etc. It’s natural that in a fictional story where mental illness may be an important aspect, that trauma is one of the more sensational causes to apply to your character, but if you have a cast with diverse experiences of neurodivergence, it’s unlikely that all of them will have a basis in trauma. Neurodivergence is not a one-size-fits-all. 

–

Masterlist | WIP Blog

If you enjoy my blog and wish for it to continue being updated frequently and for me to continue putting my energy toward answering your questions, please consider Buying Me A Coffee, or pledging your support on Patreon, where I offer early access and exclusive benefits for only $5/month.

Shoutout to my $15+ patrons, Jade Ashley and Douglas S.!

[odetothestars]

Sirius Black Headcanons

Has the most beautiful hair you will ever see. Thick, shiny, raven coloured waves. It's about chin length so not really long but not short. He takes really good care of it so it's never greasy or flat. Often ties the top half of it back in a little itty bitty bun.

Loves when his close friends play with his hair. Will have Lily put little braids in it sometimes. Often just lays his head in Remus' lap without saying anything, and Remus will just run his hands through Sirius' hair for hours at a time.

Cuts his hair a bit at the beginning of summer, I have a thing for shorter haired Sirius. Like not short short though.

He's tall! (Honestly doesn't matter but in my head he's pretty tall. I know a lot of people argue over this but please don't yell at me about it if you don't agree! This is just my personal view! The whole argument about height is so ridiculous because it DOESN'T MATTER)

The CHEEKBONES and jawline that this boy has wow

Eyelashes EYELASHES. Super dark, full, and long! Also very pretty light grey eyes.

Only touchy with the people he's closest too. Like super physically affectionate with his loved ones, likes to being touching one of them at all times. Loved hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggles of any kind but only with people he really trusts. Otherwise he does NOT like being touched, strangers or acquaintances touching him is a nono. Really affects his anxiety.

His body language is super expressive, he doesn't often use words to express how he's feeling but his emotions are more obvious in the way he holds himself. Sometimes Remus will notice that he's feeling really down so he'll just grab him and hug him without saying anything. James notices too and will (dramatically) recite an ever-growing list of everything thing loves about Sirius.

Super academically inclined, like very intelligent. However, common sense is at 0. He's a genius but also an idiot.

LOVES animals so much! Takes a walk in the Forbidden Forest and has full blown conversations with any animals he sees. Sometimes after chatting with smaller creatures, he'll smuggle them into the castle, then he has to try to convince Remus that he "just HAD to take the animal in out of the cold" and promises to take good care of it in the dorm. "Look how cute Re, we have to keep him" "Sirius NO" "But he'll be cold outside *puppy dog eyes*" "...Fine"

Also brings back little gifts for Remus and James. Little rocks, or leaves, or even twigs that looked cool. "This leaf is kinda the same colour of your eye! It reminded me of you so here ya go!" Remus keeps every single one.

Sometimes forgets that he's not actual a dog...like will sometimes lick his Remus on the cheek insteaded of kissing him? Likes being pet of the head? Gets so excited about the littlest things, like will smile and pant like a puppy when someone mentions walks or treats. Also Jumps on people when he's happy to see them. Will chase balls and sticks in human form?

"Pads, fetch!" "YES! Wait-" *Cue James losing it laughing*

"Sirius want a treat?" "YOU BET I DO" "Ok, Sit" *Sirius sits and Remus drops a piece of chocolate in his mouth*

HATES being called "Mr. Black". Mcgonagall knows this and always calls him "Sirius" instead.

Loud noises are a NO. People raising their voice at him will trigger panic attack. Thunder storms are also really bad.

Despite common misconception, he is not a player. Doesn't sleep with tons of random people because intimacy is a very serious and scary thing for him. Also guessing that he never got proper Sex Ed growing up, not knowing what something is can be very nerve racking. He's also been in love with Remus since he was 11 so ya know

Existential crisis at like 4 in the morning at least once a week! "GUYS WHY ARE WE HERE? WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIFE" "Pads-" "NO WAIT! There has to be an infinite amount of universes right? Because if they end then everything would be nothing and nothing would be everything, which would be happening all the time but also never because time and space wouldn't be real! So what else is out there? Do you think there's an alternate Sirius? What do you think aliens look like?" "...Well he's got a point"

Him and Regulus stay very close! They hang out a lot and bicker like typical brothers, it's sweet. The Potters take them both in.

Loyal to a fault! Would do absolutely anything for his friends, and would defend them endlessly! Has hexed people for making fun of Remus' scars and Lily's muggle parents.

Bad liar! Can not lie to his friends! Super bad at it!

Remus' parents love him

Very clean and neat. His part of the dorm is always the tidiest. "JAMES PICK UP YOUR SOCKS". Will fold Remus' clothes for him.

Detail oriented, remembers the littlest things about people! Like how they take their tea, their favourite sweet, little trinkets they mentioned they liked in passing.

Generous, buys his friends gifts for no reason at all

Wakes up early

Is absolutely whipped for Remus Lupin, head over heels in love.

Doesn't really like being drunk because he hates the feeling of being out of control

Helps first years find their way around the castle. Also tutors younger students.

Wears black on black, leather or black denim jackets, band t-shirts, ripped jeans! Looks very intimidating but is ridiculously soft and sweet.

Cries at sad movies. Hides behind Remus during horror movies.

Cried happy tears when James and Lily got engaged, as well as at the wedding. Also cried when Harry was born. Is an amazing godfather. Absolutely worships that kid.

This ended up being really long oops! But here are some of my thoughts on my favourite boy! Yes I did project myself a little heheh

[awinchestershell]

It’s always “I support people with mental illness” until they start defending their colorful explosives like their lives depend on it because them having fun is more important than real people with real reasons to ask them not to do this.

So now I find myself sleeping in my literal closet on a makeshift bed of pillows and stuffed animals, playing calming music as loud as I can to drown out the horrific booming right outside my window. Not to mention the whistling ones that sound like a nuclear bomb’s being dropped from the sky.

All the while my own father who claims to care about my issues and want to understand is sending me pictures of him grinning at the firework show he’s at, knowing that last year he forced me to attend a show and I had one of the worst PTSD episodes of my life right in front of him.

It’s funny because the day is about American Independence, which is fought for by Veterans. (Which I’m not, to be clear) But when Veterans ask for them not to use fireworks because it triggers the trauma they endured fighting for that Independence, all they get is “it’s a free country, stop ruining our fun”.

And it’s not just traumatized people either. It’s people with sensory issues, pets, wildlife, people with anxiety disorders, just generally skittish people, some children and obviously yes traumatized people. Like just look me in the eye and tell me that watching fancy colors in the sky for an hour is more important to you than the well being of everyone around you, you fucking jackass. AND THEYRE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

Within two hours of the firework show FIFTEEN MILES FROM MY HOUSE my room spelled like smoke and I was having an asthma attack. Oh, and those funny little rockets you fuckers shoot up land. And sometimes they land on people’s homes and burn them down and ruin entire lives so you could get a kick out of your kink for blowing things up. Then there’s how many children and reckless morons either maim or kill themselves every year with these shitty ass ideas of fun.

Seriously, if you light even a single firework this fourth I hope it comes back to bite your ass so fucking hard. Fuck you. You may not understand this but other people and other creatures matter just as much as you and you’re putting them in danger and making them suffer for fucking what??

What are you even celebrating? The entire country is at war with itself, women and anyone with a uterus, including children, are terrified and dying in agony, POC people are being gunned down for blinking wrong, cops will fight an unarmed celebrity to the ground on camera but won’t die to save 19 harmless children, and you’re lighting sparklers and barbecuing like a fucking cunt.